America is not a country. It is a production, and the production needs a cast. The Fatty Boom Batty Academy™ is an accreditation-adjacent online university that trains everyday people in the actual, load-bearing operating skills of American public life — the ones nobody teaches you because the people who know them are extremely busy monetizing them. Escape the matrix. Enter a different matrix with the same single-cell protein mush.
Not accredited by any recognized body · “We don't teach you to think. We teach you to be seated.”
Each campus is one course. We call it a campus because that is what the tuition is priced against. Fully online, fully theoretical, fully billed on the 1st. The course numbers are real. Everything else is under advisement.
Faculty: Prof. Emeritus A. Quorum ($0 self-reported, by design)
Discretion, succession, and the unlimited war-vote budget. The single most oversubscribed course on any campus, taught by people who have never once been subscribed to anything, including consequences.
Faculty: Dr. Sheila Vance, Image Sciences ($40M self-reported)
Candidate presentation: media training, vocal coaching, debate coaching, and the fifteen professional dog groomers standing by for reasons the syllabus does not explain. Outcome: camera-ready.
Faculty: Bartholomew Strip, Dept. of Legacy Assets ($340M self-reported)
Acquire a beloved chain restaurant. Reduce the tower from six units to four. Replace the staff with kiosks. Exit before the guest notices. Extra credit for renaming the mascot.
Faculty: Dr. Kimber Snack, Chair of Primary Colours ($12M self-reported)
Food photography, primary colours, and the commercial as a delivery mechanism, not a message. The child does not need to want it. The child needs to see it fourteen times before breakfast.
Faculty: Gen. (Ret.) Marlowe Vane ($6M self-reported, mostly pension)
Identify the shadow agenda. Then check off which parts of it have already been implemented, in daylight, with a press release. Final exam is a scavenger hunt through your own newsfeed.
Faculty: Dr. Whit Ambo, Dept. of Meaning ($2M self-reported, in options)
A survey of purpose: civic, corporate, spiritual, sponsored. The course takes no position on which purpose you should have, provided you have picked one and are willing to say so on camera.
Faculty: Staff (seasonal, self-reported as "fine")
You get a limited number of these. This is not a metaphor, it is the syllabus. Enrolment closes in September, permanently, every single year, and yet the drop rate remains a mystery to admissions.
Our students don't post screenshots of bank balances. They post screenshots of transcripts. Here is what the Academy actually produces.
Every instructor is tenured on the strength of a number they told us themselves. We did not check the number. Checking the number is not in our budget, or our interest.
“Honesty is a liability with no resale value. I teach the asset class that actually appreciates: plausible deniability, professionally laundered and worn twice a week.”
“The truth tested poorly with a key demographic, so I stopped testing it. My students learn to say something true-shaped, at volume, until the segment ends.”
“Scale isn't a size. It's a decision to stop returning calls. My course teaches you the exact tone of voice for an apology memo that legally isn't one.”
“I have never once been photographed at the Academy, because I have never once needed to be photographed at the Academy. My enthusiasm is total, and it is billed hourly.”
Pricing is dynamic, in the sense that it only moves in one direction, at a speed we determine, for reasons we do not disclose.
Commission is 10% of one month's tuition per student, calculated at the current, rising Enrolled price. Fees are calculated at whatever rate keeps the math honest.
The Academy is available for acquisition, licensing, or a conversation that will not be recorded. 18 campuses, 1 Chancellor, 0 refunds, and a valuation that has not moved since we first said it out loud.