Fatty Boom Batty™ does not build products. We build decks, valuations, and a deeply held conviction that someone else should pay for all of this. Below: the pipeline. Each concept has been independently appraised at $4,000,000 by a man who was in the room.
Zero (0) prototypes built · Four (4) concepts under active legal review · “We ship the invoice first.”
A living portfolio of ideas at various stages of development, where "development" means a man said it out loud and nobody in the room stopped him. Click the one that is real. It is not real either.
An autonomous eight-legged beach pacification platform. It patrols your boardwalk, identifies a teen forming an intention — our partners have been reading his group chat since he was nine — and escalates, politely at first, through a five-stage laser ladder that ends, regrettably, in a billable event. Parents love it. The precision is really something.
A staffing agency built on a simple insight: a teenager with a job cannot organize a flash mob. We are gently relegalizing child labor and calling it an apprenticeship. The teens keep the tips. We keep the apprenticeship fee, which is larger than the tips.
The world's first clout futures exchange. Short a fifteen-year-old before he microwaves the squishy toy; go long the moment the ring camera goes up. Liquidity provided by his parents, who do not know they are the counterparty.
A neighborhood watch subscription where the neighborhood is watched and the watching is the product. Your doorbell now has an opinion about your son. It shares that opinion with eleven partners and one federal agency that did not return our calls.
A structured product that pays out when a head of state describes a neighboring country as "infected." Historically, this has been a remarkably reliable yield. Chemical weapons rider available at the platinum tier.
Somewhere, four hundred teenagers are arrested on a beach. A nation watches, appalled, and quietly wonders whether the robots would really be so bad. That wondering is our total addressable market, and it is enormous.
We supply the idea and the invoice. A surveillance company supplies the part where it works. Then we sell it to a city council at 11pm, in a room with bad acoustics, using a slide deck with one number on it. The number is $4,000,000. The council approves it unanimously and nobody asks what the ninth leg is for.
Concepts × Batty accepts submissions from founders, visionaries, and men who have recently been asked to leave a Palantir recruiting event. We will take 94% and your idea, in that order.