Same shell. New source.
A crossover between a Pennsylvania chocolate concern you have never heard of and a company with no product.
Other corporations want you to eat shit and die. At Hershit's™, we just want you to eat shit. The peanut is gone. The shell remains. We found something to put in it.
Peanuts sourced: 0 · every bag appraised at $4,000,000 · Hershit's™ is not a real company, and is not the real one either
In 2033 a blight called Goober Wilt took the last peanut on Earth. The candy industry lost its center. Most companies reformulated. One company asked a better question.
The R&D brief was one line: find the next most abundant brown paste on Earth. The team came back in nine minutes. The board took slightly longer.
The argument that closed the room: humans already pay $600 a pound for coffee that has passed through a civet. We are simply removing the coffee.
Every Piece is color-coded by source, so you always know what you are eating. That is called transparency. Every bag is priced at $4,000,000. That is called the valuation.
Harvested from the finest caves in the greatest country on Earth (unverified). A bat eats its body weight in insects every night. We consider that a supply chain.
A limited allocation, sourced from the Hogs. Which Hogs is a question we have chosen not to answer. Community-led growth. Community-led supply chain.
People already pay $600 a pound for coffee that went through a civet. We took out the coffee. This is what disruption looks like.
The wombat is the only animal on Earth that produces cubes. This is a real fact. We did not invent it. We did not have to. Stacking, shelf presence, and freight efficiency, handled upstream.
There's no wrong way to eat a Faeces Piece.* *There are several.
Our premium tier. Every animal Piece is sourced. Every human Piece is curated. Fully traceable to a single contributor, a single quarter, and a single ambitious lunch. Not sold. Allocated.
Allocation onlyOther startups eat their own dog food. We ship it. Every Piece comes from the people who built nothing here, which means you are tasting the vision directly. There is no closer relationship you can have with a founder. We checked.
Finally, a way to taste leadership. Harvested exclusively during earnings season, when conviction is highest. Ships in a quarterly earnings-call tin. Guidance raised.
The FDA asked for a label. We gave them a label. They are still reading it.
CONTAINS: everything the animal ate.
MAY CONTAIN: the animal's opinion of you.
Manufactured in a facility that also processes regret.
* The % Daily Value is not based on a diet. It is based on a deck. 2,000 calories a day is used for general advice, which we do not give.
For the first time in confectionery history, a peanut-shaped candy is completely safe for people with peanut allergies. Our compliance team calls this the silver lining. Our compliance team was the first to resign.
Every bag carries a lot code traceable to a single animal, a single afternoon, and, in the Homo Sapiens Collection™, a single calendar invite. You deserve to know where your food comes from. You may not want to.
We ran a double-blind taste test against classic peanut butter Pieces from 2032 stock. The results speak for themselves. We have asked them not to.
of panelists could not tell the difference.
* All panelists had recently lost their sense of smell. Recruitment was focused. The panel was paid in Founding Hog Reserve™, net-7.
Five questions. A proprietary matching algorithm. Every palate is different. Every result is calibrated to you, specifically, at a price of $4,000,000.
Current match: calibrating
Your answers point to someone with discerning taste and a high tolerance for founders. You belong in the Homo Sapiens Collection™. You were always going to.
Other corporations want you to eat shit and die. At Hershit's™, we just want you to eat shit. That is the difference. That is the moat. Tim Dillon, acquire us.