A joint venture between a man with no product and a company that already has all of your data.
An autonomous eight-legged beach pacification platform. It walks the boardwalk. It notices a teenager forming an intention — because our partners have been reading his group chat since he was nine. It escalates, politely at first. Parents have told us the precision is really something.
Deployed in 0 municipalities · GayPalantir™ is not a real company, and is not the real one either. Legally, loudly, not.
ARACHNID-9™ is a deeply reasonable machine. It offers your child five (5) opportunities to reconsider, each accompanied by a laser of gently increasing conviction. Step through the ladder. It always finishes on 05. That is not a bug. That is the business model.
The unit has assessed the situation and would like your son to consider going home. It communicates this the only way it knows how: a soft blue circle, roughly the size of a bottle cap, placed with real tenderness. He films it. He posts it. Engagement is strong. This is the problem.
Enter your municipality. Our proprietary threat model — trained on every ring camera in the county and one man's anxiety — will size your fleet and produce a quote. Every path leads to the same quote. That is not a bug. That is the moat.
Awaiting input. The spiders are patient. The spiders have always been patient.
ARACHNID-9™ is a co-production with GayPalantir™, the data-analytics firm whose entire business is the seeing-stone problem: they will happily show you anything you ask about, and everyone who looks into it for long enough becomes convinced the enemy is already inside the house. Municipalities find this extremely persuasive. So do we. It is why the invoice is what it is.
Eight of them. They are very good legs. They move at thirty-one miles an hour across wet sand and they make no sound whatsoever, which our focus groups identified as the single most upsetting thing about the entire product, and which we therefore kept.
Every doorbell. Every group chat. Every purchase his mother has ever made. It goes in one end, and out the other end comes a single number: how likely he is to ruin the Fourth of July. Nobody at GayPalantir™ can explain how the number is produced. Nobody at GayPalantir™ has ever been asked twice.
Licensed from our partners and billed per teenager, per month, in perpetuity. Choose how far ahead of your son you would like to be.
The unit sees what is happening. This is the entry tier and, frankly, the boring one.
The unit sees what is about to happen. Most municipalities land here, at 11pm, quickly, unanimously.
The unit sees what he would have done. It has already acted. The paperwork is filed, backdated, and honestly quite convincing.
We looked at more cops. We looked at more programs. Then a man showed us a slide with one number on it, and the number was four million dollars, and the room went very quiet, and we approved it, and honestly? The boardwalk has never been cleaner.
Look, was I thrilled? No. But you have to understand — the accuracy. The way it moved. My neighbor got the footage. I have watched it maybe forty times. He shouldn't have been out there.
Your town is one viral video away from wanting this. We are simply the first to write it down. Join the Hogs for priority fleet allocation, or settle the invoice in the official currency of the empire.